I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
