So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
