wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just had sex bonerless
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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