i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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