you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize