Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Randomize
