I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
