I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
