I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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