can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
