you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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