Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
