I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
