So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We left the knife in your bed.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
