Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
