Who wears a wallet chain?!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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