There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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