I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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