you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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