you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
