I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
