If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
