He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm passing your future prison.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
