My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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