3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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