everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
