My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
