My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
