I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
