found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
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