I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
