My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
