Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
