I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
