i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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