we made out on top of his cat.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
