How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
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I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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