I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
