If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
