mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
