Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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