If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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