So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
