Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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