you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I lost the right to judge tonight
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize