This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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