Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
