I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize