I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
