kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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