wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.