She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
