By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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