nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Randomize
