Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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