we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
