My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
