a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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