If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
