We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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